


conversations

by iihappydaysii



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Feelings, First Kiss, M/M, Pining, buck and eddie are both dumbasses, discussions about sexuality, talk of coming out, they'd both be lost without christopher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 10:44:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21493033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: When Buck realizes his true feelings for Eddie, Buck goes to an unexpected source for some advice.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 39
Kudos: 785





	conversations

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first 9-1-1/Buddie fic. Just finished up the show so far and felt inspired to write something for it.

Buck drove by the townhome several times before he finally gathered the courage to stop his car. He was shaking, trying to draw in deep slow breaths to calm his nerves like he’d been taught to do in training. 

Coming here was probably a terrible idea. He didn’t know Michael Grant all that well, but honestly, he didn’t know who else to talk to about this. There was Hen, but she was best friends with Chimney, who was friends with Maddie and Buck wanted some help before he talked to anyone at the 118. 

Buck was so deep in his own head, he was at the door knocking before he even realized where he was.

He considered jumping into the bushes and hiding, but before he could, Michael opened the door.

“Buck? What are you doing here? Is Athena alright?”

He nodded. “Yeah, sorry. I should’ve called or… I just wanted to, um, talk.”

Michael raised an eyebrow as he leaned in the doorway.

“Please,” Buck continued.

Michael nodded and stepped out of the way. “Come on in.”

Buck followed him through the doorway. He’d never been at Michael’s before, but it was nice, homey, with solid, industrial architecture. That wasn’t surprising, exactly. He did know Michael was an architect. 

“Can I get you a drink?” Michael smiled, turning back towards him. “You kind of look like you could use a drink.”

Buck let out an awkward laugh. “That obvious?”

“Beer or whiskey?”

He wanted the whiskey. The hot burn and that distant feeling coming on him quickly, but he couldn’t. “A beer would be great. I’ve got a shift tonight.”

Michael opened his refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of Sam Adams. He opened it with a bottle opener on the counter, then handed it to Buck. He poured himself a whiskey neat.

“Sit,” Michael gestured to the stools near the breakfast bar.

Buck did as he was told and, moments later, Michael joined him at the breakfast bar. They made small talk for a bit as they sipped their drinks. Eventually, though, Michael pressed him. It’s not like they were friends who did this kind of thing. There was a reason, a particular reason Buck was here wanting to talk to Michael, and Buck knew eventually he’d have to fess up.

“So, man, what can I do for you?”

Buck swallowed, holding his nerves at bay. “How did you… know?”

“Know what?” Michael asked, taking a sip of his drink.

Buck played with the label on his beer bottle, willing the words out of his mouth. “That you were…” _Just man up dude._ “That you were gay.” As soon as he said it, regret and embarrassment washed over him and Buck continued quickly, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have…” Nervous energy prickled across his skin; he started to stand. Maybe he could make a quick escape.

“Buck, wait.” Michael touched Buck’s forearm, which made him sit back down.“It’s okay. I guess I think I always knew or at least, I knew for a long time. It took me a lot longer to accept it though.”

“Why did you finally?” Buck asked.“After all that time, even when you knew what it would mean for your whole family… sorry.” He was just an apology machine tonight. 

“I was tired, I think. Of lying, of suffocating this part of myself. It felt like, like having a collapsed lung. I could breathe, I was alive, but never fully.”

Buck stared down at the amber bottle in front of him again. “I get that, I think.” His voice was small, at least, it felt small. Like a small light he could snuff out in a closed fist.

A moment of silence passed between them, the only sound the whirring of Michael’s air conditioner. Buck wasn’t sure what to think, his thoughts buzzing all around him. Each one a fly he couldn’t catch.

Finally, Michael spoke, “It’s okay, that you came here, Buck. I guess, I’m just wondering why.”

Why. _There it is, _Buck thought. _The million dollar question. _He’d have to tell Michael at some point, but he hadn’t told anyone. He’d never even said the words aloud to himself.

“I don’t know. It’s complicated.” Buck felt like a coward when that was all he could manage.

Michael just gave him a sympathetic look. “Isn’t it always?”

“So, how did you do it?” Buck asked. “How did you go from knowing to _accepting?_”

A smile flickered across Michael’s face as he slid his finger through the dew on his glass. “I wish this was a story about, you know, self love or self revelation. But it’s not. Maybe in the end, it _became _that. But it didn’t start that way… it was , it was just a guy,” he said simply. “It was Glenn.”

Buck was pretty sure he remembered that name being mentioned, though he’d never met him. “Your ex?”

“Yeah, you know, it didn’t work out, in the end. But I fell for him. Hard. And I loved Athena. I _love _her. I will until the day I die, but I’d never felt _that _before… like I…”

Buck swallowed through the tightness of his throat because he was pretty damn sure he knew the feeling. “Like you could finally get air in both your lungs?”

“Yeah… yeah.” Michael looked over at him and Buck could sense the feeling of camaraderie, of shared experience, but it didn’t feel right because it wasn’t exactly the same and it wasn’t fair to pretend he’d struggled for air in the same way that Michael had. 

“I’m not gay.” He tried not to sound defensive.

“Okay,” Michael said gently.

“I mean… I’ve felt _it _before,” Buck went on. “The things you’re supposed to feel, the big things, the important things. I felt them with Abby. I really did. And sex with women… I mean, shit, I ain’t complaining…” He smirked and took a sip of his beer.

“But…?”

The smile melted away. “But, I… I’m feeling those things again, the things I felt with Abby, but new, different, because it’s not _her. _It’s not a recycled feeling, it’s…” Words failed Buck. They always seemed to fail him just when he needed them the most. Maybe that’s why he was always running into the fire. Actions just came easier to him than words.

“What’s his name?” Michael asked in that same firm but gentle voice.

“I don’t…"

“I wouldn’t tell. It’s yours to tell, when you want. _If _you want.”

There was something about Michael, even though Buck didn’t know him well. He seemed kind. Safe, and hell, he’d come here for a reason. To finally, _finally, _get this shit off his chest. 

“A guy who works at the fire station. I’m not sure if you’ve met him. Eddie… Eddie Diaz?” Buck replied, staring down at his hands. 

“I have and…” Michael grinned. “I can’t say I blame you. He’s got that kid, right?”

Buck smiled too. “Christopher? Yeah.” This warmth filled him up, like the hot apple cider Maddie always made in the fall. Warm and sweet and _home. _He shook his head, pulling himself back to the present. “I… I mean Eddie’s straight,” he said _straight _like a gavel striking wood. A decision, a judgement, final and out of his hands. 

Michael nudged him. “You’re straight.”

Buck let out an awkward laugh. “I don’t know about that. There’s a word for this, right? Bisexual or something. But I can’t remember the last time I looked at a woman. I mean, Ali, but since her, it’s just Eddie’s face filling in this empty space that women used to float in and out of.”

It was true. Buck 1.0 saw sex like when his mom would take him to Costco and stuff him full of food samples just to shut him up. It wasn’t really satisfying, but he just couldn’t help himself. Buck 2.0 knew what it was to be in love, to hold onto something, to take the good with the bad, to want the whole meal and not just a single bite. And Buck 2.0 should probably stop comparing women to food. But maybe he wasn’t 2.0 anymore… he’d been through so much since Abby left—the earthquake, everything with Maddie, his fucking injury, the tsunami, losing Christopher and finding him again, the lawsuit and losing Eddie and finding him again. Maybe he’d built a new version of himself without even realizing it.

“You could be bisexual. Probably. That’s up to you, how you identify.” Michael angled himself toward Buck. “Look, Buck, I’m going to tell you something Glenn told me when we first met and I was confused: Sexuality can change. You can’t _change _it. You don’t get to decide who you want, who you love, but it _can_ change. 

“It’s like when May was a kid, she absolutely hated peanut butter. She couldn’t even stand the smell of it. If I so much as made a pb&j, she’d crinkle up her nose and walk out of the room. Then, one morning I walked downstairs and she was just sitting there, at the table, eating a peanut butter sandwich. There was no reason for it. She didn’t try to like it and she couldn’t have just decided not to like it like she did before.”

Buck perked up, could feel his voice pitch higher and he just knew his words would fall out of his mouth one after the other like dominos. “What if I’ve never had… peanut butter before? I think I want it, at least I want a certain kind of peanut butter, but what if I try it and I don’t like it and I can no longer be best friends with the peanut butter or you know, hang out with the peanut butter’s adorable son.” He bit his lip and turned away, looking back toward the beer bottle.

“I can’t decide that for you,” Michael said. “If it’s worth pursuing, risking what you have with Eddie and his boy for what you could have with them? I don’t know. But from what I’ve heard about you from Athena and Bobby, you’ll figure it out and, in the end, you’ll do the right thing.”

God, Buck really hoped so.

Ever since his talk with Michael earlier that day, Buck had been deep in his own head. Everyone had noticed it. Hen, Chimney, Cap and even Eddie. They’d all pegged that he was off today. It made him feel exposed. But he was going to have to man up and say something, right? Before curiosity made people dig around until they figured him out.

Buck wasn’t sure why, but they were in the middle of a call on a car accident in the intersection when the words just shot out of his mouth.

“Hey Eddie, we need to… can we talk after this shift?”

“Talk about what?” Eddie asked as he jammed the jaws of life into the door of the smushed SUV.

“I’ll tell you after this shift,” Buck insisted.

“Now, you’ve got me all freaked out,” Eddie called out over the sound of crunching metal.

The man trapped his driver’s seat, who was surprisingly uninjured for how bad this car was fucked, looked over at Buck. “Can you just tell him because I don’t really want the guy helping me get out of here to be ‘freaked out’?”

“He’s fine,” Buck said to the man dismissively, then turned towards Eddie and implored, “Just… can we? Please.”

“Yes, whatever, Buck,” Eddie said, yanking uselessly on a broken piece of the car.“Just get me a saw, would ya?”

The man’s eyes went wide. “Whoa, wait? What do you need a saw for?”

Buck walked to the truck, the reality that he was going to tell Eddie the truth settling over him like a heavy cloud.

After their shift, Buck just wanted to go home. He’d regretted even bringing it up to Eddie after dwelling on it all day. There were a million different ways that Eddie could react and so many of them would just wreck the friendship they’d built. No matter how Eddie made him feel, no matter how fast his heart beat or the way his mouth would go dry… the way he couldn’t stop looking at his lips, it wasn’t worth losing Eddie or Christopher. But then what if there was more… what if he would miss out on something good?

A memory floated up into his mind. That old man who’d died with his husband… what he’d said before when Buck said he’d wanted to find something like that someday. 

_You don’t find it, you build it._

But what if saying something didn’t build anything, what if it broke it? 

_But what if it didn’t._

“So, uh, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?” Eddie asked, breaking Buck out of his own thoughts. 

Eddie was standing there in his blue uniform pants with his tight white t-shirt tucked in. God, he looked gorgeous. But, hell, he always did. 

How the fuck could he ever tell Eddie that this is what he felt when he saw him? “It was nothing… I’m not even sure I remember.”

_Please, _Buck thought, _Just let it go._

“Bullshit,” Eddie said. “What is it?”

Of course Eddie wouldn’t let him go. The universe still had shit to punish him for apparently. 

Buck started to pace across the floor in front of Eddie and he gnawed on the side of his thumb. Could he come up with something else he’d wanted to talk about? Maybe, but Eddie would know. “Eddie… I… maybe you should sit?” He realized the havoc he was doing to his thumb and stopped. “I don’t know if this is a sitting conversation or a standing conversation.”

Eddie tilted his head, stepped forward. “What’s wrong, Buck?” He sounded genuinely concerned.

“Nothing’s… wrong.” Buck let out a big breath and turned towards Eddie. “I’m just trying to figure out how to say this. I’ve gone over it like a hundred times in my head since I talked to Michael, and it sounded really coherent in practice and now, I just feel like I’m just going to talk out of my ass and—”

“Michael who?” Eddie interrupted.

“Michael Grant.”

“Athena’s ex-husband? I didn’t know you guys were friends.”

“We know each other. I mean, he’s friends with Bobby.”

Eddie’s face softened and Buck just wanted to keep looking at it. To freeze this moment in time and just live forever in this space with Eddie’s eyes on him, like that. 

“I feel like whatever this is,” Eddie said, “you’re probably making it worse than it has to be with all this anticipation and to be honest, I’m tired and I’m ready to get home to Christopher, so just—”

“I have feelings for you,” Buck blurted. 

That soft look was all gone, replaced by confusion. “I’m sorry… what?”

Buck shook his head. He’d jumped off the cliff, but this was the falling part. “I didn’t plan on it, obviously. It just… it sort of happened. I’ve been debating whether or not to tell you because I don’t know how you’d react and God, I really don’t want to fuck this up…” Buck let his words trail off. He searched Eddie’s face for a sign, for something, for anything he could hold onto for hope. His jaw trembled as he forced out, ”Tell me I didn’t fuck this up.”

Eddie looked away from Buck, reaching back to rub his own neck. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Buck.”

“Fuck.” Buck was going to be sick. What the fuck had he done?_ What the fuck_… Buck had to get out of there now. He turned, dizzy, and started to walk away.

“Wait…” Eddie called out.

Buck stopped in his tracks, his heart a tight, horrible knot in his chest. He couldn’t look at Eddie. He wasn’t strong enough. “No, I… you don’t have to… shit. That’s… you gave me an answer.” Buck could barely hear himself speak, everything felt blocked out, like he was underwater. 

“Are you_ pissed_ at me?” Eddie asked, incredulous.

Now, Buck did look at Eddie, but barely, kind of, like he glanced over his shoulder to the blur of gym equipment. He wasn’t sure how he’d sounded when he spoke, but apparently he’d sounded angry.

“No. God, Eddie, I’m not pissed at _you,” _Buck snapped, his voice louder than he wanted it to be. He was feeling so many things, but anger was always the easiest to feel. When Eddie had assumed Buck was pissed, it felt easy to just tuck under that feeling like a blanket.

“But you _are_ pissed, even if it’s not at me. What’d you think was going to happen?” Eddie said. Well, fuck, Buck didn’t know how he sounded, other than far away. Like another planet far away. “You’re the one who—”

“Look, forget it, man.” Buck let himself go cold all over. It wasn’t like him. He was fire, not ice. But maybe this was what it was? Buck 3.0?“Forget it. I’m an idiot, alright?” Buck turned and started to walk away again. 

“Buck, I… just hold on. Wait,” Eddie said.

But Buck didn’t wait. He couldn’t. 

. . .

Eddie barely got any sleep the night after that shift. The next morning, he’d gone through the motions of getting Christopher to school like a zombie. Then he’d spent his whole day with a swirling storm in his stomach. Buck liked him. He _liked _him. Had feelings for him, was how he’d put it. Eddie had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do with that. With his best friend being in love with him, his best friend, who he needed like an ache. Why did Buck have to go and fuck up everything?

By the time, Christopher got off school and Eddie was making dinner. Eddie had stopped being able to think. He was just silently moving around the kitchen, grabbing at the ingredients he needed, feeling grounded by the loud snap of closing cabinet doors. 

“Dad?…” Eddie heard Christopher’s voice fuzzily in the background. “Dad? DAD!”

“What?” Eddie snapped, immediately regretting the tone of his voice.

Christopher blinked. “Are you mad at me?” he said softly.

Eddie let out a breath and his shoulders fell. His voice softened immediately. “No, Chris. No, what? Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“You’ve barely said anything to me, and you keep slamming all the cabinets.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Eddie rubbed his son’s shoulder. “I just had a really, rough day.”

“That’s okay,” Christopher smiled. “I’m just glad you’re not mad at me.”

“I’m never mad at you, kiddo.” Eddie smiled, then turned back towards the pot on the stove. He poked at the macaroni with a slotted spoon. Some boxed macaroni all he could manage today. He felt bad about it, but at least it was one of Christopher’s favorite foods. 

“Do you want to talk about it? Your bad day?”

Eddie laid down the spoon on a paper towel. “It’s big people stuff.” He definitely didn’t want to talk about it. Ever. Certainly not with his son.

“Like scary stuff? Did someone get hurt?” Christopher asked.

Normally Eddie didn’t mind when his son was so inquisitive, but this was one wound he wasn’t exactly wanting looked at. “No, no. Not like that,” he said dismissively. “Just eat your dinner.”

“You didn’t give me any…”

“Right, sorry.” Eddie rubbed his hands over his face and then scooped some mac and cheese into a bowl for Christopher. “Your dad’s a wreck tonight.”

“If no one got hurt, why can’t you tell me?”

Eddie put the bowl down in front of Christopher. “Because you wouldn’t understand.”

“I’m not stupid.”

“Buddy, I didn’t say that,” Eddie sighed. “It’s just that you’re young and you haven’t been through this yet.”

“Maybe you should talk to Buck, then,” Christopher said through a bite of mac and cheese.

Eddie let out a broken laugh. “That’s not a good idea.”

Eddie wished he could. Wished he could call up the Buck he thought he knew, and ask him what the hell to do about this Buck, about the thoughts and feelings this Buck’s confession had conjured up inside him like some kind of magic.

Eddie sat down at the table.

“Are you mad at Buck, still? I thought you stopped being mad at him.” Christopher asked.

“I… I did… I wasn’t mad at him anyway, I just…”

“Missed him? That’s okay. I missed him too.”

“And I’m just mad, I’m so mad,” Eddie admitted, though he wasn’t sure why, “because I don’t want to miss him again, but he makes it so _fucking_ hard!” Eddie stood up from the table, then realized he’d just cursed in front of his son. “Sorry.”

Christopher frowned. “Is Buck leaving?”

“No, no. He’s not.”

“Then, I don’t understand. Why would you miss him? You see him everyday at work. He’s your friend.”

“Yeah, well, apparently that’s not good enough for him,” Eddie muttered. “I shouldn’t have said that.” Christopher loved Buck and none of this was his fault. He shouldn’t let his son get all tangled up in Eddie’s stupid, confused feelings. 

“Buck doesn’t want to be your friend anymore?” 

“He wants to be _more _than that.”

“I don’t understand.”

Of course, Christopher didn’t. And that was fine. He was a kid and Eddie wanted him to keep being a kid as long as possible.

“That’s okay, like I said…”

“No, Dad. I want to try,” he said it the way he always said it when he wanted to try something new, something on his own that Eddie wasn’t sure he was ready for. But Eddie would let him try anyway because, in the end, that was what was best for him. Growing up.

“Buck’s my friend. I’m his too. It’s just that now… it’s just that, um, when he sees me, he doesn’t want just friend stuff. He wants other stuff.”

Christopher tilted his head. “What other stuff?”

“Other stuff…” Eddie’s heart raced. It felt weird to talk about this, to phrase what it was Buck was asking for in a way Chris might understand. “You know like, like he wants to kiss me.”

_Kiss _and _Buck._ Those words twisted up so closely together… Eddie didn’t know what to do with all that.

“And you don’t want to kiss him?”

“He’s a man.” Eddie felt his voice break a little in his throat. 

Christopher’s small brow furrowed and he said gently, like it was a secret, “I thought that was okay?”

Shit. Eddie was fucking this all up, wasn’t he? Not that that was anything new.

“It is. It is okay.” God, how could he explain this? “But, sometimes when you’re a boy you don’t want to kiss other boys. It’s okay if you do, but sometimes you don’t. Do you understand?”

Christopher’s brow scrunched up, and Eddie was pretty sure if he laid a hand on his son’s forehead, he would feel the rumble of all the gears turning inside. “Would you want to kiss Buck if he was a girl?”

Eddie’s stomach flipped. _Want to kiss Buck. _The words laid out like that, like he could pick over them and examine each letter… it was too much.

They were so close, and Buck loved Christopher in a way that had taken even Eddie time because he had been young and stupid and selfish and scared. Eddie trusted Buck with his son in a way he’d never trusted anyone, not Shannon, not even his own mother or grandmother. And Buck… when something happened in Eddie’s life, good or bad or in the murky space between, whatever it is was, his first thought was _I gotta tell Buck this. _

_ “_I don’t know… maybe.”

“Mom always said girls and boys aren’t that different. That boys can do anything that girls can do and girls can do anything boys can do.”

“She was right. They can. Of course, they can,” Eddie said.

“So if you like Buck, you know, I don’t know why it matters so much if he’s a boy or a girl."

Eddie ran his hands over his face. “It does to some people,” he said through his fingers.

“Like you?”

_ Yeah, like me, right? _Eddie thought. But was it really that simple. Was it? Buck had that smile, those eyes, stupid long lashes that fluttered. And there was a time, back in middle school, a kid on the baseball team, who sketched when his dad wasn’t forcing him down to the batting cages. He always had ink on his fingers, and Eddie—poor, gangly thirteen year old Eddie—used to imagine that ink rubbing off on his own skin… _fuck. _

“What difference does it make, pal?” Eddie’s voice was artificially high as he patted Christopher on the back. “We don’t need anyone else. Just me and you. The dynamic duo.”

Christopher frowned and looked down at his macaroni. “I’m not always going to be around, you know?”

Eddie’s stomach dropped. He hated even the thought of that, and there was no reason Christopher couldn’t live a perfectly long life, so it didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean? Why do you say that?”

“Because I’m going to grow up someday and you can’t expect me to always take care of you. I’ll need a life of my own.”

Eddie just smiled and let out a small laugh. God, he loved his son. “Christopher.” He ruffled his curly hair.

“I don’t really know about kissing or anything like that, but Buck makes you happy, and I like when you’re happy.”

Eddie shut his eyes. This wasn’t over yet, Christopher wasn’t just going to let him forget, let him bury it down with everything else until it turned toxic and he had to break it apart with his hands until his knuckles bled. Maybe that was for the best. 

After a moment of silence, Eddie gave in and started the best version of a confession he could muster. “You know… your mom and I, we got married really young and had you and I went off to the army. Then, when I came back, it was eventually just me and you. Do you remember the window in your room in El Paso?”

Christopher nodded. “The one that was stuck shut?”

“Yeah. I kind of, I kind of feel like that window sometimes. Like, when I was real young, your mom climbed through it and we had you and I just shut the window behind her, us, real tight. When she left, I left the window shut because it was me and you, and I didn’t need anything else. So, I don’t even know if I could open the window if I wanted to, because it’s just always been shut.”

“Dad?”

“Yeah, kiddo,” Eddie replied softly, frowning.

“You’re a fireman,” Christopher put his hand on Eddie’s cheek. “You’re trained to open windows."

. . .

Buck stayed in his frozen state for a while after Eddie’s rejection. He’d gone home at first, but then he just couldn’t stand his own thoughts trying to melt the ice, so he’d actually googled “gay clubs near me” and then drove to the nearest one. 

It was an impulse, but the lights and the loud electronic music did their job of keeping him numb. He walked up to the bar and ordered a drink. It wasn’t long before he noticed men looking at him, then they started to come up and try to talk. 

He considered it for a moment, letting Buck 1.0 come out and following that skinny guy with the piercings to restroom. He’d never done anything like this before, at least not with a dude, but the guy was good-looking and he smelled like a Christmas tree. There were worse things.

_There are better things too._

The thought held him tight as soon as he had it. Buck let out a sigh, paid his tab and headed home.

So much for frozen Buck 3.0. So much for not feeling. That wasn’t going to be his way out of this. He was just going to have to suck it up and figure out how to get over Eddie because his friendship mattered to Buck more than anything else. He’d fight for it, even if the person Buck had to fight was himself.

He crashed early that night, since he’d missed so much sleep the night before, just lying there cold and staring at the ceiling.

A banging on his door woke him up.

Buck hopped out of bed and threw a shirt on as he made his way down the stairs. He looked through the peephole and was shocked by what he saw. He unlocked his door and threw it open.

“Eddie,” Buck blinked, confused. “It’s the middle of the night. What are you doing here?”

Eddie rubbed at the back of his neck. “Can I come in?”

Buck hesitated, not because he wasn’t going to let Eddie in, but because he was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. “Yeah, of course,” he finally said. “Is everything alright? Is Christopher okay?”

Eddie stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. “He’s fine. I asked Carla to come over.” He turned toward Buck, looking him squarely in the eye. “We need to talk about earlier.”

A wave of nausea rolled over Buck. “We don’t. We don’t ever have to talk about it. We can forget it. Pretend like it didn’t happen.”

Eddie shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

Buck closed his eyes, disappointment settling in. He wished more than anything he hadn’t been stupid enough to voice his feelings aloud because Eddie had been right, what _did _he think was going to happen? “Then, why are you here?”

Eddie took a step closer. In the dim light, Buck could see him shaking. “Because there’s this window and…” Another step closer, “Christopher… and I’ve made so many mistakes in my life.”

Buck just blinked. “What window?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Eddie swallowed; Buck could tell by the bob of his Adam’s apple. “I just… I want to try something and I want you to promise me that you won’t hate me, if I don’t like it. Christopher can’t lose you, Buck. _I _can’t.” 

They were nearly toe-to-toe now, and Buck could feel the tension, the desperation, the power of whatever Eddie was feeling. In this moment, Buck felt he might just promise the man anything he asked for.

Buck nodded. “Okay, it’s o—“

Eddie kissed Buck. Hard. 

The ground shifted beneath them as their lips moved together. For a moment, Buck thought there was another earthquake. That the force of this feeling inside him had shifted tectonic plates. Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise him. Because this kiss—goddammit—_this _kiss, was primeval. It was the stuff of dinosaur bones and the crackling hot magma boiling beneath their feet. If they stretched this kiss out like taffy, they could build worlds with its power, spin new planets out into the solar system. 

At least, that’s how it made Buck feel.

When Eddie pulled away. He stumbled back, and Buck was thrown a million miles out into space, waiting to see if gravity was going to pull him back in.

“So?” Buck said, maybe a little pathetically.

Eddie just reached out for him, gripping Buck’s t-shirt and pulling him again. _Thank God. Thank God, _Buck thought as he kissed Eddie back, letting their mouths sink in to each other. Buck slid his hands across Eddie’s stomach to his back, on top of his tee but tucked under his flannel. Thick muscles rippled beneath Buck’s touch as they stumbled together back against the wall.

Buck’s heart was pounding as their thighs threaded together, their bodies pressed tight and close. Eddie’s tongue filled Buck’s mouth. He groaned, pulled away slightly, bit at Eddie’s bottom lip, then dove in again.

Eddie’s mouth moved from Buck’s to his cheek, then down his jaw to the pulse in his neck.

“Fuck,” Buck through his head back, letting the too-much feeling course through him.

Eddie pressed up against him with even more strength, and Buck could feel Eddie’s hardness against his own. And God, he wanted everything right now. Wanted to tear Eddie’s clothes off and lift him up onto the kitchen table and fit them both together completely, but it wasn’t right… he needed to _know._

“Stop for a second, Ed—just hold on.” Buck gently pushed Eddie back.

“Sorry. Shit, I’m sorry.” Eddie jumped back, like he was coming to his senses.

Buck reached out for his hand. God, it was so warm and so rough. “No, fuck man, don’t be, but I want to be on the same page, like I don’t…” Buck had to say it, even if it meant this was all they’d ever have between him. “I don’t need a fuck buddy so if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Eddie shook his head, squeezed Buck’s hand. “I want this… us. It’s actually the fuck part I’m less sure about. I don’t know what came over me there.” Eddie gave Buck a sheepish smile.

“We can take it slow because I haven’t really done it either.”

He’d wanted to… and he’d watched the porn, just to try and work out all his feelings.

A blush crept across Eddie’s cheeks and he looked down at the floor. “I’ve never actually… with anyone but Shannon.”

“_Seriously?” _Now that was a fucking shock with the way Eddie looked. Buck grinned. “Dude, you’re sort of like a virgin.”

Eddie playfully punched him in the gut. “I have a kid, asshole. I’m not a virgin.”

Buck laughed, then pulled Eddie in by the waist. “We’ll figure this out together, then, right? Make up our own rules, in our own time.”

Eddie smiled up at him. “I can live with that.”


End file.
